Why Being Seen Can Feel Unsafe: How Early Attachment Wounds Shape Adult Attachment

Why Being Seen Can Feel Unsafe

Many people come to therapy feeling confused about their relationships. They want connection, closeness, and to feel understood; yet when someone really starts to see them, something tightens inside. They may pull away, shut down, change the subject, or feel overwhelmed with anxiety or shame. Often, this reaction doesn’t make sense to them. “I want to be close, so why does it feel so uncomfortable when I am?” For many people, this discomfort has very little to do with the present moment and a lot to do with early experiences of relationships.

What We Learn About Being Seen in Childhood

From a young age, we learn what it means to be seen through our caregivers. When children grow up in environments where emotions are noticed, welcomed, and responded to with care, they tend to develop a sense of safety around closeness. Children in these environments often learn that:

·       Their feelings matter

·       Their needs are allowed

·       Connection can feel comforting rather than overwhelming 

Over time, this builds a foundation where being known by others feels safe.

When Being Seen Wasn’t Safe

Not all caregiving environments offer this kind of emotional safety. When caregivers are emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, dismissive, or harmful, children adapt in ways that help them cope. Research shows that when emotional expression is ignored, minimized, or punished, children may learn that being seen is risky (Doyle & Cicchetti, 2017). In these situations, visibility can feel more like exposure than connection. Children may adapt by:

·       Hiding their emotions

·       Becoming overly independent

·       Staying hyper-aware of others’ reactions

·       Learning to “need less” to avoid disappointment

These adaptations make sense; they help children survive emotionally in difficult environments.

How Early Relational Wounds Show Up in Adulthood

Although these coping strategies develop early, they don’t disappear with age. Instead, they often show up later in adult relationships. People may notice:

·       Discomfort with emotional closeness

·       Fear of being truly known

·       Pulling away when relationships deepen

·       Feeling overwhelmed or shut down during vulnerability

According to Doyle and Cicchetti (2017), early relational experiences shape our internal expectations about relationships what we believe will happen if we rely on someone or let ourselves be seen. Even in safe, supportive relationships, the body may still respond as though danger is present.

The Role of Emotional Maltreatment and Self-Criticism

Emotional maltreatment doesn’t always involve obvious abuse. It can look like repeated invalidation, emotional neglect, or feeling unseen over long periods of time. Research by Lassri et al. (2016) found that people who experienced emotional maltreatment in childhood often struggle in adult romantic relationships; not because they are incapable of closeness, but because early wounds shape how they relate to themselves and others.

Two key factors help explain this:

·       Self-criticism

·       Attachment insecurity

Why Self-Criticism Makes Being Seen Feel Risky

For many people, self-criticism develops as a way to stay safe. If a child learns early on that they are “too much,” “not enough,” or a burden, those messages can become internalized. Later in life, this may show up as:

·       A harsh inner voice

·       Fear of judgment or rejection

·       Anxiety about letting others see the “real” self

When self-criticism is strong, being seen can feel dangerous; not because it actually is, but because it activates old beliefs about worth and acceptance.

Attachment Patterns and the Fear of Closeness

Early relational wounds can also shape attachment patterns in adulthood. Lassri et al. (2016) found that both anxious and avoidant attachment styles help explain why early emotional maltreatment affects adult relationships. These patterns may look like:

·       Wanting closeness but fearing abandonment

·       Keeping emotional distance to avoid getting hurt

·       Feeling overwhelmed when relationships deepen

In both cases, the desire for connection exists alongside a fear of what closeness might bring.

These Patterns Are Not Your Fault

It’s important to remember that these reactions are not flaws or conscious choices. They are learned responses shaped by early environments where emotional safety wasn’t guaranteed. At one time, they served a purpose. What once helped you cope may now be getting in the way, and that doesn’t mean you’re broken.

Healing Happens in Safe Relationships

The good news is that attachment patterns are not fixed. With support, they can shift. Therapy offers a space where being seen happens slowly, with care, and without pressure. Over time, safe relationships can help the nervous system learn that:

·       Vulnerability doesn’t always lead to harm

·       Emotions can be met with understanding

·       Being seen can also mean being held

If being seen feels unsafe for you, it doesn’t mean something is wrong. It often means that, at some point, being invisible felt safer. With patience and compassion, it is possible to learn a new experience of connection; one where being seen feels less threatening and more human. At Vaughan Counselling and Psychotherapy, we have therapists like Bianca, Juliet and Victoria who can help you on your therapy journey.

References

Doyle, C., & Cicchetti, D. (2017). From the cradle to the grave: The effect of adverse caregiving environments on attachment and relationships throughout the lifespan. CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGY -CARY-, 24(2), 203–217.

 Lassri, D., Luyten, P., Cohen, G., & Shahar, G. (2016). The effect of childhood emotional maltreatment on romantic relationships in young adulthood: A double mediation model involving self-criticism and attachment. Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy, 8(4), 504–511. https://doi.org/10.1037/tra0000134