Do you find yourself feeling anxious when someone takes too long to text you back? Or pull away when someone gets too close? Or feel confused in your relationships? These patterns can all be linked to your attachment style! Attachment styles are a common discussion in the world today, but what does it really mean? Let’s explore this further.

What is an Attachment Style?

Attachment styles reflect how we respond in our adult relationships and are based on the emotional connections we developed with key people in our lives as children. Researchers believe that the type of bonding we experienced in our first relationship (often with our parents) will determine how we can relate to other people later in life. There are four different types of attachment styles that have been identified, each one influencing the way we show up in our relationships: secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganized.

Secure Attachment – The ideal attachment style. You feel comfortable becoming close with people, trust others, and are able to communicate effectively. You are not overly-dependent on others or hyper-independent – you understand the importance of leaning on others in times of need. Ex: Someone doesn’t text you back right away – they’re probably busy and it’s not a reflection of yourself.
Anxious Attachment – Otherwise known as abandonment issues. People with an anxious attachment style thrive on closeness, while also worrying about if people truly care about them. Ex: Someone doesn’t text you back right away – they don’t like you.
Avoidant Attachment – Fear of becoming dependent on others. People with an avoidant attachment may find ways to hide their emotions, avoid vulnerability or run away when relationships start to feel too serious. The best way to protect themselves is becoming overly independent and never rely on others. Ex: Instead of texting them, I’ll just figure it out myself.
Disorganized Attachment – A combination of both anxious and avoidant tendencies. People with this style often want closeness (anxious) but are deeply afraid of being hurt and therefore, run away (avoidant). Our relationships can feel like a push-pull, we want connection, but are terrified of receiving it. Ex: Someone doesn’t text you back right away – feeling torn to follow-up with another message (anxious) or ignoring them completely (avoidant).

Moving Forward

There are several ways to shift your attachment style towards a more secure one. By developing stronger relationships with people in our life, we slowly work on trusting others. Additionally, working with a therapist to help strengthen our sense of self and process past traumas can help increase confidence in ourselves! If you are interested in learning more, reach out today and connect with one of our attachment therapists at Vaughan Counselling and Psychotherapy including: Rasha, Gisalle, Radhika or Lolita.

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Resources:

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love

https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/attachment-and-adult-relationships

https://www.verywellmind.com/attachment-styles-2795344

Understanding Attachment Styles